Weeding The Soil… Apology Selfie!
Dear Dookie Dooks,
Yes that was one of your childhood nicknames I remember you had, given to you by your favourite cousin in America. Having a nickname made you feel loved and accepted. It made you smile every time you heard it with that American accent.
I know you looked up to that cousin as she had so much mouth, she knew how to stick up for herself.
Trouble is when you tried to be sassy and answer back, to your older brothers and sister you were seen as the little brat sister… I guess a female version of Joseph without the dreams! Your parents always stuck up for you being the youngest, your older siblings always got in trouble as soon as you cried. I know you didn’t think it harmful as you were only 5-6 yrs old, but you became an annoying sister instead of the accepted one in the clan sister…And it was that time while you were visiting with your mum’s brother Uncle Ellon that you realised their feelings towards you…
All your siblings and cousins were in the back room sitting and chatting as they did and you were playing hide and seek with your cousin similar to your age. You snuck in the room and hid behind a sofa and then you heard them ‘Harry is so cute you’re so lucky to have him as a baby brother- Maria is such a brat can’t stand her and so ugly makes me sick’… and I froze, I couldn’t move, I couldn’t open my mouth, I just kneeled in my position and stayed hidden whilst they spoke horrible things about you. I wanted to cry but to cry meant that I heard and I decided to pretend that I didn’t hear a word. I sealed your mouth and as Harry ran in the room looking for you I made you jump out out of your hiding place with your first ever mask, smiling and giggling with Harry and joyfully saying ‘you’re it’ running out the room with your ears hearing the whispers…’do you think she heard, was she there all the time’?? I shut you up and showed you how to pretend not to hear, I sealed your mouth and shut your eyes so the tears welling up under the lids would not be seen as proof that you heard every word.
The little girl all the aunts and uncles thought was adorable and had so much grown up chit chat beyond her years was just a no-body to her siblings and cousins. Always wanting to fit in and people please, to be liked and loved.
Sorry that I made you feel to hide away and sorry that I made you kneel in your hiding spot and listen to all that talk. I should have made you jump up or make a sound so they knew you were there- they may have stopped talking before you heard those damaging words. I’m sorry that whilst your insides were broken hearted and you cried internally, I made you pretend and suppress your feelings and it just rooted and grew with you. I’m sorry I didn’t protect you Dookie Dooks but you were and still are loved very much.
Now that you are a woman….this is where it begun
Please forgive me.