Monthly Archives: September 2018

I Am Who I Say I Am

I was on a high, I was so happy that I could at least make my mum relax to know that I had made the right decision in leaving sixth form to go to college. A grade like ‘distinction’ and ‘good pass’ would definitely have her overlook the terrible letter of a ‘U’ on my CSE maths paper.

I turned up at my high school well dressed and my first year certificate in my hand. There were a few essential subject teachers I had to see… RE, Maths, History (as Miss Harper always was nice to me), Home Economics and Mr Pratt, more so to show him I DID do well and also to apologise and admit he was right, I did need maths.

I ended up giving the class a sort of lecture letting them know that by trying to fit in and hang with the cool crowd, was actually what caused me to fail maths. I explained what I thought about maths and the real world, that I thought being a chef was just about cooking and had no idea how much maths was a key part. They listened attentively as I continued and afterwards advised them that the only way forward was to just get on with it, learn well, listen and do their best in exams as its a rough world out there. I felt so good. Mr Pratt smiled and said “I new you were a good girl at heart, well done and keep up the good work.”

No longer did I hear their negative voices telling me what I would be, instead I felt rather important, grown up, I was asked to speak to a class, wow me, and I really think I made a difference, well I hope I did.

Seeing Mr Pratt made me feel even more confident to go see the other teachers. My R.E teacher had no hope for me, I just had to find her. There she was in the staff room, I called over to her and she was shocked to see me. Miss got up and came over with such a smug look on her face that I was about to wipe off. “Maria, what brings you here today? needing a reference for work?” This was It, the door way was open for me to score a knockout… ‘No actually, I go to fulltime college and got a distinction and ‘good pass’ in my first year. I came to let Miss Gardner know as I’m studying  City & Guilds 706 1/2 Cooking for the Catering Industry.’ Oh the grin that automatically grew on my face was immeasurable, “Well imagine that, who would’ve thought ay, good for you, I secretly knew you had it in you, you just needed to dig deep and find it for yourself. I hope this means you have chosen your friends much more wisely than you did in school. I must say I am proud of your success, keep it up.” ‘Thank you Miss.’ and with that I said goodbye and walked away with my eyes popped open in disbelief… did I just hear right?

My goodness, the two teachers I was cheeky to the most, the two that told me if I’d continued in my path I would amount to nothing… their words back then stung and I guess its what pushed me not to be who they said I’d be, but be who I know I am. I am bright, creative, polite, kind and eager to learn and do well. They knew all along, wow, they really did believe in me, maybe it was I that needed to believe in me, that without trying to fit in with ‘the crowd’ I can be anything I wanted to be.

Contingency Consistency

Oh my goodness

Can it be?

I am the queen of Black Jack

And it sets me free.

Drowning out the voices of past

Voices that said in education I would not last

Telling me my life is a waste with an empty head

So what was the point then?

Why was I born? I should be dead.

Teachers had no idea

Neither did I, in some ways I didn’t care…

Yes I did

I wanted to prove I could be loved

But these guys I was with made me…

And made me see

That real love just seemed not to be attached to me

Keep them keen but treat them mean

That way I give them no time to affect me

Voices of high school that followed me

Stalking me like the grim reaper

Waiting for me to fail my exam paper

Literacy, language barriers and numeracy

I needed to attend classes consistently.

Focus and psychologically tell myself I have a purpose

And there you have it…

I did it…

Passed with a distinction

Amount to nothing they said

Now I can dig a whole and put those dead voices to rest

Look ahead my soul tells my head

Yes I am walking in the right direction.

The teachers that first caused negative affliction

Smile as they see a less rebellious me

They pat me on the back and say they’re proud of my results

In a moment, I forgot all their past insults

The plan now is to study hard against all possible contingencies

Which means I must behave and attend classes with consistency

So I can receive all that’s in my ordained destiny.

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