I went to view the Mother & Baby home, although I couldn’t see the point as I had no choice but to move in there. It wasn’t ideal but it was temporary. Apparently, it was just a pit-stop for those women that needed emergency accommodation, and I guess mum wanting no ‘big belly woman’ in her house meant I was under the classification of an emergency. I was told that the policy was that it was not permitted for a mother to stay there once their baby reached three months old so that was encouraging. Soon I’d have my own place, officially a grown up!
A lovely lady opened the door of a large three storey house, once inside I saw it was a home of multiple occupancy. The lady was middle aged, Caucasian and greeted me warmly introducing herself as the landlord and lived on the top floor of the building. She took me down to the basement where there was a double room in which had a stove, a single wardrobe, fridge, a table, chairs and a bed. It was clean and tidy. The bathroom and toilet were in the hallway and was to be shared with another girl who had the room next to mines. Everything was clean and tidy and there wasn’t many house rules but two stood out. All male visitors had to leave by 10pm and boyfriends were not allowed to sleep over. Great! I was handed the keys, all that was left to do was move in.
I hadn’t a lot of items, I mean I was only moving from mums and the only belongings I had was my clothes. I couldn’t bring that much with me anyhow as most didn’t fit for obvious reasons and the room didn’t have much storage space other than a small wardrobe and kitchen cupboard and draw unit.
I loved it, there were only two rooms in the basement, mines and a girl called Mary had the other. There was also a side basement door that we could use to come in and out. Myself and Mary quickly became friends and made a pack to watch each others back regarding our men as the ‘no men after 10pm and the no sleeping over’ didn’t wash to well with us or with our partners. To wait so long to finally have my own space, no sneaking around parents or finding a ‘lovers lane’ I had my own pad even though it was temporary…and still not be allowed for Ken to stay over, no way.
You’d think I would be glad to stay on my own but it became lonely as I was in my seventh month and on maternity leave from work, I was restless. Ken was at work all day but joy was listening out for his distinctive car engine and timing from when the engine stopped to him reaching the door. I enjoyed this change, in my mind I felt like we were a couple living together which we were in a way as Ken hardly ever stayed home at his parents anymore. It was nice not having to sneak around to be together in an intimate way, we were free. Yet I missed my friends, I missed the part of me that was still a teenager. Bernell had taken up a new catering manager course, Toni was working full time in the city and Kacee had gone away traveling on a working holiday, so I was pretty much friendless during the day. I spent my days shopping for groceries, we couldn’t do a big shop as the fridge was just a small single one fit enough for one person. There was a day that I spent watching tv, this baby had me like a sluggard the closer I got to my due date. The hours went by with me watching the omnibus of ‘Neighbours’ and ‘Home & Away’ I heard the sound of Kens car and timed it as I usually did for him to reach the door and opened it. Moments later he walked in to see me with the carpet sweeper in hand and one hand on my back. ‘Here baby leave that to me go rest’ I smiled, said thank you and sat down. I didn’t feel bad as I had washed the dishes earlier and I had to carry this baby twenty-four seven.
A few days later there was a knock on my door, it was Mary and the landlady. Mary was trying her hardest to hold back a grin, the landlady the landlady explained that the council had found me temporary accommodation. It was apparently a large house divided into two flats which was offered to Mary first as she was at the home before me. Mary requested that I took the other flat as we got on and the landlady agreed. There was no viewing as it was that or nothing, once you were offered a place that was it, if you turned it down the council would not offer another, you were on your own.
Moving was easy as it was a small room, it only took a couple of car rides. After moving we decided it would be best to spend a couple weeks at my mums as I approached my thirty-ninth week and the baby could’ve come at anytime and my parents home was much closer to the hospital.
I hardly saw Berns and the girls, one night they were going out to a local club where our mutual friend was a DJ. I was not only forty weeks but it was also my due date. Bernell thought I was crazy but they knew they couldn’t stop me, I was so bored and fed up I needed an outlet. I also hoped by dancing it would cause labour to start! The music was pumping when we got there, it was so good seeing Jimmy on the deck spinning tunes. He was happy to see me and surprised to see me pregnant. When he asked when I was due, his eyes nearly popped out his head. I danced until I ran out of steam. Did it cause labour to start? no, did it cause excruciating back ache? most definitely yes and swollen feet, but it was worth it, I had a great time.
A week later as we were waiting a first tinge of pain and my appointment to be induced; mum, Ken and I decided to have a video night. I needed some fresh air so opted to go to the video rentals shop. Heaven knows why I chose ‘The Adventures Of Babysitting’ and Three Men And A Baby’ obviously I had babies on my mind! We finished watching one and I told Ken to wait until I got back from the toilet to put the other one in. I’m not sure if I was bursting or the baby was resting on my bladder but I was getting these weird sensations ever so often and I couldn’t concentrate on the movies.
Typically there was a trickle of pee which meant the baby was resting on my bladder. As I wiped myself the tissue seemed to have a pastel pink colour to it. I wasn’t sure if my eyes were playing tricks on me so I wiped again and there it was, a streak of mucus with slight blood on it. I grinned with a fear under tone. This surly was it, what a doddle; if this was labour then it was a walk in the park! There, again I felt that sensation ring across my back. I’ve never been pregnant before so what do I know?! I assumed as the baby grew in the stomach area, that’s where the pain would be. Not wanting to panic mum and Ken and make a false alarm, I called down to say I won’t be long and got ready to time the next sensation. Seven minutes… ok cool. I went downstairs and Ken started the movie. and seven minutes later there came another sensation but this one was a tiny bit more prominent than the one before. Even I got a little panicked and blurted out ‘I think I’m in labour!’ They both looked at me startled. I told them all what happened upstairs and reassured them both I was fine. Mum suggested I go have a warm bath and call the hospital to let them know what was going on.
As I ran the bath I called the labour ward. My voice was calm yet a little excited. I explained in detail and they were quite happy for me to stay home as things were moving slowly along. Ken was pacing up and down, I grabbed his arm gently and kissed him on his cheek letting him know I was ok, he smiled ‘This is it girl.’ Mum and Ken left me alone to bathe, mum was fussing around making sure my bag was packed. Her excitement made me giggle.
I stood up to get out of the bath, took hold of the towel and took a step out the bath when a pain out of nowhere struck me so powerfully that I couldn’t move except to scream out. Mum came running up the stairs and barged in the bathroom, she helped me out the bath and looked at the time…five minutes since the last one… I dried myself and again I was hit with a piercing pain that crippled me. I opened my mouth but not a sound came out, I was breathless… four minutes since the last one. Ken rang back the labour ward to tell them I wasn’t coping, they couldn’t quite believe it considering they spoke to me just thirty minutes beforehand. Ken passed the phone to me and I spoke through gritted teeth, the transformation was astonishing. Again the pain shot through, Four minutes since the last one passed I was told to come in straight away. It was a struggle to dress, mum helped me whilst Ken went out to warm the car. Down to every three minutes and the pain was so intense.
I’m sure Ken broke every speed limit to get me to the hospital, mum sat in the back with me with one hand on my stomach saying ‘hold on hold on’ every few minutes. Looking back now the whole scene was like a comedy sketch.
Finally we arrived and by that time I was in a mess, the pain was unbearable. I forgot all my breathing exercises from prenatal class, that went out the window, I just could not think. The midwife, a lovely oriental looking lady gave me some ‘Gas & Air’ and I floated! bring on the pain, now I’m in control. There didn’t seem to be a gap between contractions and I hung onto the gas & air tube for dare life. I was attached to a monitor beside me that had numbers which increased when a contraction was detected. The midwife was concentrating on the numbers and telling Ken to get me to let go of the mask, but I was having none of it; I know what I was feeling and I was ahead of the numbers. She kept on saying ‘that’s enough now, stop now, that’s enough’ until her voice irritated the life out of me and I screamed out ‘GIVE ME THE F***ING GAS! The room became still and I opened my eyes only to see my mother at the foot of the bed, mouth so wide open you could’ve fit a fist in it. I sighed as I closed back my eyes not being able to retrieve the cuss word that escaped my vocal chords. Mum had picked up her bag and as she turned she snapped ‘I never knew Maria used words like that’ and with that she left the room. I felt bad, but here came the pain and I took back my ‘friend’ and breathed the pain away as I floated into a legal high.
My midwife Jan, bless her was very patient with me. She had the most annoying soft baby like voice that really was grating on me. She said ‘Now Maria you’re nearly there, do a big poo and push,’ was she for real? I refused, what did she take this for, why would I do such a thing? she kept on and on till I thought in my head if this poo is the barrier between my baby staying in or coming out then so be it… she wants me to shit on the bed then fine, and I pushed with all my might until I felt a huge release. I waited for the embarrassing smell to rise, but instead I saw huge smiles from Jan and Ken, he beamed ‘its a girl’… huh! I was so confused, ‘it’s out? a girl? It’s out? Jan wrapped her and placed her in my arms, there before me was the cutest dolly faced baby and I cried with happiness. Ken went and got mum, she still had a vexed face but it soon melted when she saw her fifth granddaughter. All was forgotten, even the pain of childbirth. three hours and forty-five minutes and here she was…
Nadia. Her name means The Caller, The Beginning, First
My first baby, our first. I was now a mummy at nineteen years old. A teenager/ young lady with a huge responsibility.
I was ready.

There’s A Blessing In There

There is a new unknown beat

A simple test has revealed

It was not my heart

But the one which grew from the seed sown

What is this disgrace

That my mother would have me hide my face

Not letting me forget I was caught red handed

Embraced in my sweethearts arms

Captivated by his charm

Mother was remarkably candid

Not here in this home

If you are pregnant then find your own.

My news was difficult to share

I wasn’t sure of the response of friends I hold dear

But to my pleasant surprise

I came to realise

They love me dearly and showed they care

Does it really matter though?

I have my lover and best friend by my side

He says he’ll always be there for me

With him I shall grow and be free

We’ve created ourselves a new destiny

For who knows if this was meant to be

I do

No longer touched indecently

But need to remove those sins from my memory

Tell me

Tell me they will go away

When I close my eyes

And next to Ken I lay

Let my inner me see

A break in soul ties

Illegal touches and deafen my ears to pass lies

Clear Blue

I slept for the majority of the flight. I couldn’t understand why I felt really bad from 3pm onwards and not only start but had gradually increased nausea until sleep fell on me… I thought morning sickness was called that because it was as its described ‘morning!’ Thank goodness I was always so tired also, which made it easier to sleep through the long hours in the air with that pungent smell; I mean was it just me or did the whole plane smell of ripe mangoes? The flight attendants served the usual rock hard cold muffins and finger sandwich which was a struggle to stomach at the best of times. I brightened up myself and put on my well trained mask for my mum, whatever she was thinking (or dreamt!) I needed to throw her off, until I was 100% sure at least. I did my best not to screw up my face about the smell as I saw her watching for my every reaction, setting up her own little test to justify hey suspicions.

At the first convenient moment I got as we reached home I went to get a pregnancy test at the chemist, my anxiety couldn’t wait to go to the doctors. I went to the toilet and read the directions over and over again and still read each step as I physically did the test. I still thought I peed too heavy on it to drown out the test; but no, after the required waiting time that seemed like thirty mins rather than three… there it was, the tell tale cross of confirmation. Positive.

There was no get out clause, no going back. I was happy, it was the nerves of telling my mother the news which was freaking me out. As for me I was ecstatic, I was waiting for mum to pop out to the shops in order to call Ken and the phone rang, it was him. Mum was still around and in earshot, Ken did the talking as he knew by the way I was talking I wasn’t alone. He asked and I answered ‘uh hum yes’ there was a slight pause and he told me everything will be alright and not to worry about a thing. He was going to come around later that evening, just the thought of him coming over helped me relax my nerves. I loved the way he was strong and mature, this is what I appreciated about our age difference, I felt safe.

Now you may wonder what the drama was with my mum finding out, why I was so scared?? well there is a little detail I missed speaking about and I guess once told it would all make sense…

So a few months back Ken & I went out to a party and came back wee hours of the morning around five. Mum and dad were awake as dad was working a six to two shift so mum was going to drop him to work so she could keep and use the car. I asked mum if Ken could stay and sleep on the sofa as he was mega tired and he lived too far to drive safely. Mum was ok with it, dad and I hardly spoke but when mum told him he didn’t mind either. Ken had built up a good relationship and trust with my mum since the time he came and took me out when I had that mini operation on my knee , she fell in love with him and came to terms I was no longer with Saul. I had gone upstairs and brought down a sheet, blanket and pillows. Our sofa was a sofa bed so Ken helped me to pull it out flat, I made up the bed for him and left him to it and went upstairs. My parents got ready to leave, mum said she’d be back soon and they left. My mind went into fast gear. Ken and I were restricted in where and when we got intimate as his parents were always home and I had to be an inspector in my home trying to work through my parents shift schedule of working. My brothers and sister had all left home.

It would take mum twenty minutes to drive dad to work and fifteen to twenty minutes back again. No one else was home, bearing in mind I had a few rums and my head was sweet! I went downstairs, Ken was already asleep; he had a few drinks too which had added to him being too tired to drive. I gently lifted the blanket and positioned myself right next to him, I was already naked and the alcohol had me more aroused. Ken awoke and stirred at the touch of my body. He was quickly aroused but came to his senses saying it wasn’t right as mum had trusted him yet he couldn’t keep his hands off me, we couldn’t keep our hands of each other. Our body heat grew intense, as usual images came to my mind of the past and I seemed to spend more energy brushing them aside. I had to keep my eyes open so the reality of where I was and with whom would stay. Making love with Ken was exactly that, we were making love. It wasn’t the ugly stuff of the past this was different, I didn’t mind being touched by him, he made it ok, clean even. Here you had it, two bodies that collided into a mystical dance and exploded with a gush of ecstasy. Ken had beads of sweat on him and I too. My body glistened with a shimmer of sweat that made me feel smooth all over, I breathed, I smiled and cuddled myself in his arms. ‘Maria go back upstairs before your mum gets back’ he whispered, I was in a cloud all by myself, making love to Ken tingled all my senses and I didn’t want the feeling to end. ‘I’ll go in a minute’ I replied, ‘I’m tired of rushing, I just want to lay  next to you for five minutes more.’ I was intoxicated not only by his love, his touch but also by the drinks I had earlier. I snuggled up under his arms and just lay there drinking it all in and gently fell into a deep sleep.

There was a familiar rattling of keys that jolted me awake ‘ MUM…SHIT, OH MY GOSH!’ I shook Ken but he was gone, I had come downstairs with no clothes on except my knickers,which were now clearly somewhere hidden in the bed sheets. There was nowhere to run and definitely nowhere to hide. The dreaded footsteps came in the front door and I swallowed hard as her figure came in to the living room. She gasped at the sight before her eyes, a tremendous amount of shame clothed me. ‘WHAT THE HELL AM I SEEING HERE? KENRICK, MARIA, NOOO NOOO NOT IN MY HOUSE, TEK YOUR NASTY SELF UPSTAIRS I TRUSTED YOU BOTH AND LOOK WHAT I COME HOME TO.’ Well her shouting awoke Ken too and as his senses kicked in he soon realised what had happened he groaned ‘ Oh my God’ I sheepishly grabbed a sheet to wrap myself with and ran past my mother with fear, in my mind I was kicking myself that I had not listened to Ken and gone to my bed when he said to.

There was no way he could stay asleep now, mum was quarrelling with herself loudly about the disrespect and mistrust. I heard Ken getting dressed and he went into the kitchen to speak to mum. He had a calming voice and as he began to speak mum grew quieter. I came downstairs dressed as he was speaking, he apologised profusely and agreed that what we had done was a great disrespect and abused her trust. He said if he was in his right mind he would of never taken advantage of the moment but due to the alcohol it clouded our judgement. Mum turned and looked at me and I had sworn that this was the first time and it must’ve been because I was a little tipsy from the alcohol and I don’t know what came over me. Mum actually brought it! she was still mad but not enough to kill me mad. This all had quite sobered the both of us up… I mean, how EMBARASSING was that. Ken left after again apologising to mum and he said he would see me later, I dared not kiss him goodbye. As soon as he left I went straight to my room. Sleep was far from me now, all I could do is replay that mornings event in my mind and I shuddered with each recollection. Ken had come back later that evening as promised. He was so mature, he did wrong and humbly apologised; not even my mum could resist his smile and I thought more of him as most guys my age would’ve run and not look back. Ken had also chastised me for not listening to him, I accepted I was wrong and we put it behind us. Well Ken & I did, mum made a point to keep her eyes on us from then.

Now you understand my mothers eyes that became daggers in Trinidad! since that traumatic episode, I think she always suspected I would come home pregnant and three months later I did! Although she suspected I was pregnant in Trinidad, she didn’t want to upset her holiday I guess by bringing it up, but her actions spoke volumes. So there you have it. How was I to tell her now I was carrying Ken’s baby?

Days passed and Ken & I secretly enjoyed our own excitement. I had gone to the doctor and he did a urine test to confirm I was pregnant and almost by eight weeks gestation. Ok I came up with a plan, the ole people say ‘yuh catch fool to play wise’ I needed a way to tell my parents and I had a plan… Cam!

My sister was awesome but she was terrible at keeping secrets. I called her up on the phone ‘Hi sis how are you’ I began. ‘Hey I got a secret but you can’t tell ANYONE, not yet anyway. Me & Ken are expecting a baby’ she let out a scream of delight full of excitement. Cam congratulated me an asked who knew and how far gone I was. I told her our cousin Nik knew and that was it. She asked if mum knew but I told her no not yet, that it was a bit difficult. Cam understood that as mum had given her a hard time when she was pregnant with her daughter although that was ten years ago, still, it hadn’t changed how mum saw sex and pregnancy out of wedlock nowadays. Cam was genuinely happy for us and made sure I remembered it was she that introduced us… how could I forget!

I left it a couple days and waited for my mums countenance to change which was my signal that Cam had let the cat out the bag. The plan was if I told Cam and she then told mum, it would soften the blow when I told her as she’d already know, and it worked. Mum was in the kitchen so I waited for her to be nearly finished as the smell of cooking in the evening had me real queasy. Things were a little tense between mum and I but she was calm. Best I just get it over with, what could she do kill me?! beauty of it all was that I knew Cam had already told her…  ‘Mum, I know you won’t like this very much but I am pregnant and Ken and I are happy and intend to keep it. I know you may be disappointed but I do believe we will cope just fine.’ The silence was deafening! she turned and looked at me  and said she done knew already, (said she dreamt it!) and that I couldn’t hide very well always sleeping and not eating properly… ‘Well I hope you don’t think you can stay here, cuz I don’t want no big belly chile in my house so yuh better look for somewhere to go.’ With that she rose up and walked off. I guess that wasn’t bad, but it wasn’t good either. My dad came to me later that evening to say mum told him and to never mind her, she’ll come around eventually, she was the same with my sister at first and softened after now look ten years later and they have a great relationship. This was true, I just had to ride it out.

After that I was free to tell everyone. My brothers were happy as well and my cousin Shantel, who I hardly saw but was still very close to was excited for us too.

I met up with the girls, Bernell, Toni and Kacee. Telling them was the hardest as to them Ken and I were together just a few months, considering also that about a month in the beginning was in secret whilst trying to break up with Saul without a mess. They were shocked and was a bit worried for me. What about your life Maria, holidays, travelling the world, your career, you can’t do it with a baby…they were concerned and I guess rightly so, they were just getting used to Kenrick and they were, we were, young and had our lives in front of us, young and free. I reassured them that I would be ok and Ken was right by my side. In turn they smiled and gave me hugs and we ended the night in good humour bussin jokes as we always did. As for Saul, Patrick and their parents, I let  the girls break the ice on that one like I did Cam with mum. I was so close to Sauls family that I felt I let them down but when I saw them a few weeks later at a function, they were just as kind and loving to me. No hard feelings but just as the girls, they were a little concerned I had been trapped by this older guy that seemed to come out from nowhere. I also reassured them that I was very happy and Ken was a gem, he looked after me and treated me so good, I felt so special with him, he was my world. Saul was hurt I know but he was now dating again which I hoped cushioned the blow of my situation.

Days turned to weeks and weeks to months and mum still grunted the good mornings and never paid much attention to me. My aunts and uncles were very happy for me and Ken, they liked us as a couple and Ken was always respectful and social with them.  Mum was just being stubborn and set in her ways, after my aunt Belinda had a word with her she came around, I was into my sixth month by then. My stomach was really showing now. Mum came home one day from work, she had made a maternity front fastening night shirt with a matching romper suit for the baby. It was unisex and it was beautiful. I was so happy and grateful for the sign she was talking to me now.

At the time of my pregnancy I already had six nieces, my half sister and Cam had a daughter each, my eldest brother Teddy had two daughters, Curtis had one and my other brother Lincoln who was the youngest out the boys had one girl too, so it was inevitable that I too would have a girl. I didn’t even consider that it could be a boy. A girls name was chosen but not a boys, that’s how confident I was.  Ken couldn’t care less, he just wanted a healthy baby. Telling his parents wasn’t so bad, they liked me and I adored them as well as his sister and brothers.

Thee months to go and a few big changes were about to take place. For one, the council found me a Mother & Baby home. It was the start of moving out on my own. All of a sudden I was going from fancy free teenager to responsible adult. With Ken by my side and baby on the way, I was ready.


Vineyard Harvest

like an aromatic vineyard

Grapes bulging with rich ripe juice

My body ignited ignitions to reproduce


A seed sown and planted

It waits…


Bodies embraced as hearts race

His touch is music

And I dance

I’m in a trance

Intoxicated by the essence of his love

He cups my breast

He hungers, I thirst

It is likened to an overdose of night nurse!

Ecstasy blows up, we burst

Then comes the rain

The drizzle of passion that drips soothingly off a leaf’s tip

All is still

Exhale… now breathe,

Fast forward…

Tropical sun shows its face

Family and friends lovingly embrace

Out on the town, then home flat on my face!

What is this?

No to rum of the sweet Isle of T&T

Its the season for mangoes but not for me

Intense nausea as the fruity smell fills my nose

I’m hot, I just need the open end of the water hose

Suspicions has arose

Could it be there is a mini him, a mini me

Encased in a cell on a wall

clutching on so not to fall

Waiting to be fed and manifest

Then in nine months later await that first cry??

Stop. Breathe, Its ok

Press play…

Bae I’m back from my holiday

Lets talk with words

That our bodies already spoke

Let this conversation confirm the revelation

Remember the Vineyard

the sweet fragrance of a full bodied yield

My body ignited

The seed that was planted has reproduced

My lover I am not afraid

I know you are with me to stay

No matter, come what may

We’ll bring a healthy baby into this world

Regardless if boy or girl

The rain fell

Now the sun is shining

engulfing every cloud with silver lining


Broth v Mangoes!

Weeks flowed into months and this cloud cuckoo land feeling did not fade. This was the most serious I’d been with anyone, I mean I thought Saul and I were a solid couple but this was way different. Meeting Kens family was not as daunting as I thought, I thought our age difference would be an issue with them but they all received me with warmness. It was at his sisters christening of her son that I first met most of his family, he had a sister, three brothers and a number of nieces and nephews. Oh and another thing, Kenrick had a son.
Well I shouldn’t be surprised really seeing as he was ten years older than me! Ironically his son was eight years old, ten years younger than me. I looked at him, thought of Ken & I and closed my eyes to extinguish the thoughts that passed my mind. It was crazy imagining him as a boyfriend to me, it was outrageous yet it seemed fine the older you were.
It was July and I was preparing to go to my cousins wedding in Trinidad with my mum, I was a bridesmaid so very excited. I was now in a relationship with Ken for just over five months but it felt like we knew each other for years. Again, being separate from him would prove to be very difficult and I know it is said absence makes the heart grow fonder, but how much more fonder could we be? we were surly at our peak! I was only going for three weeks and just hoped it would fly by.
Ken came to see us off and we promised to stay in touch (yes I know, it was only going to be three weeks!) Bearing in mind I loved flying, this flight was not enjoyable at all; the food seemed off and the turbulence was a lot to be desired. I was certainly glad when we arrived safely. It was good feeling the humidity and that tropical fragrance in the air. My uncle picked us up who lived in Town (Port of Spain, the capital), we were to stay by him a few days, climatize then head down south. I asked to use the phone as soon as I got there to call Ken and let him know that we got here ok. As usual my legs turned to jelly and my heart got full when he answered the phone. It was a very quick call as it was an overseas call and expensive. The next day I brought a bunch of international phone cards!
The first few days was spent getting over jetlag, seeing more friends and family, catching up with cousins and aunties and uncles marvelling at how much I had grown. It was mango season and the whole country seemed to smell of them, before long I had my gut full and couldn’t stomach to suck one more let alone to smell them. After a few days we ventured down south and it was a beautiful sight driving through the winding country roads full of tropical plants and palm trees, although you couldn’t get away from the sight of badly mutilated dogs laying in the roads from being knocked down. I wondered who had the awful job of clearing them up as when you passed the same place a day after they were gone! As we approached the house I saw my cousins and auntie waiting to greet us. There was excitement in the air, mum let out a giggle and I had the biggest grin; we loved this family to the max and they were very fond of us too. There was a jovial few minutes of multiple greetings and laughter. All talk was on the approaching wedding and my cousin Nikay beckoned me to come in the back bedroom to show me our bridesmaid dresses. I needed to try mines on as soon as possible in case any alterations needed to be made. To be honest, the dress wasn’t the greatest of designs and Nik & I weren’t to keen on it at all, the only saving grace was that there was another five of us that would be in the same dress on the day! we could cope with that.
Nik & I went everywhere together, she took me to all her hang outs and when we were at home, we helped with preparations for the wedding. Our family was huge and there was no need to waste money on outside caterers or wedding planners, we were all quite capable and from the youngest to the oldest there was something you could put your hands to. Before the wedding, we, my cousins and I; decided to have a girls night out. It was nice being with them as although we were all the same age, they were a year or two … or three older than me, so mum didn’t over fuss for my safety. The evening began with us liming in a couple bars before heading to where the soca fete was. By that time I had a couple of straight rums and was feeling kinda nice. As we entered the music was jamming and people were getting on real bad, the atmosphere was on fire. drinks round was being ordered and once again I requested my signature rum on the rocks. My cousin always ordered me doubles as she thought the drink looked so small. It was the norm for ‘ladies’ to drink their drinks through a straw, even with beer bottles… not me, I took my drink like a man, no straws needed.
Party was pumping but I started to feel a little off. I normally smoked especially when drinking, but the Benson & Hedges brand of cigarettes weren’t the same as in England, they were much stronger and I didn’t like them at all… I guess being in Trinidad would help me give up! After a coupe hours I was on water as I felt so queasy, I was so happy when we all decided it was time to hit the road and head home. My cousins was real kicksing and had a good laugh at my expense as they thought I was a little wasted. It just wasn’t like me, how much did I really drink?? maybe it was because I couldn’t enjoy a fag with it or maybe it was the humidity; whatever it was I felt like crap. Everything spun, I spun, I closed my eyes and the spinning was intense like a rollercoaster. Thankfully I didn’t feel to vomit, I think my body and mind know I have a phobia when it comes to vomiting so I switched off that thought, it wasn’t permitted! but the nausea was horrendous. I managed to fall asleep but sitting upright as I was scared of being sick.
In the morning, well mid morning, I awoke and I felt as if all my insides had churned over; that my body wasn’t my own. Who punched me, who did I fight, what did I eat, was this food poisoning?? This feeling was BAD. my cousins giggled but they were concerned on how rough I looked. “Maria girl wha happen to you girl, yuh cyant tek de rum; yuh gone soft or what?” and their giggling burst into laughter, I laughed too but my gosh it hurt. I was truly wasted and couldn’t function. Now there was a trick to getting over a hangover, it was to have a drink of what got you drunk. But I wasn’t drunk! I was in my right senses, I just started to feel real real bad. There was no way I could stomach a straight rum at this moment, so cure number two.. Fish broth! My older cousin Glenroy took pity on me and said “hold tight baby girl, ah go fix yuh up ah nice lil broth you’ll feel better in no time.” Knowing a cure was coming, that this feeling had an end, was the best feeling. I told myself there was no way I was having a drop more rum whilst on this holiday. I could just about move to go shower and let the barrel temperature water fall on me. As I came out the aroma of the broth filled the wood panels of the house. Nik chilled with me as we waited for me to function again. Gladly I wasn’t feeling as bad as the night before. Glenroy finally bought me a small bowl of broth, the medicine was the broth itself, no provision, dumpling or fish, just the water. I sipped it slowly and thankful with every spoonful I actually felt soothed.
I got my energy back within an hour, talk about happy, that sickness was nothing I felt before and it was now all over. Nik had some pineapple and mango cut up in a bowl and came back in the bedroom to sit with me but I had to beg her to take the fruit out… the smell was unbearable. She left momentarily then came back in the room looking rather thoughtful like Sherlock Holmes sidekick Watson! Nik looked at me as she approached the bed her eyes not leaving me, I was like “what??” “Maria maybe this has something to do with your periods,” I looked up” my periods? no I never get sick like this with my period, just slight cramps.” Nik frowned, ” that’s not really what I meant, I mean like when was your last period? Now it was my turn to frown… “I don’t know, I’m never regular in fact its very erratic.” My facial expression went a little blank as I began to see where Nik was going with this… “Nik” my eyes was in a fixed stare as my mind worked overtime… “think about it Maria, you real have a problem with mangos and smoking, I’ve never known you to get high on rum or ever seen you with a hangover and to top it off you can’t even remember the last time you had your period!” ‘Could it be, oh my gosh a baby?? naaa no way and besides, we only just decided for me to come off the pill recently, how quick did these things really take?’
I was flabbergasted, so many thoughts crossed my mind and a smile grew, there was actually a possibility I was carrying Kens baby oh my gosh and my smile grew even more. Then as fast as it grew, it vanished… my mum! How on earth, what on earth am I going to tell her? what will she do?? The feeling of dread was written all over my face. Nik looked at me and put her arm around me and with comforting words told me not to worry about it as we were only speculating. The best thing to do was enjoy the rest of my holiday and just watch myself to see if there is a pattern of weird things happening to me, it was easier said than done!
A few days passed and even though there was pure excitement in the air, I couldn’t help but have my mind on the conversation Nik and I had. Should I tell Ken? what was the point, tell him what? I wasn’t sure, no test was done, why worry right?! I noticed my mum was watching my movements a lot, she was not stupid and without asking me questions was looking at me as in a huff all the time. I never said a word and played like I was unaware. I had to suck it in, all these bad feeling of waves of nausea that seemed to creep up on me in the evenings and I was so tired all the time but my excuse was the sun was too hot and it was just sunstroke or something. After all there was a possibility that it could be my mind playing tricks on me and it could really be that I was too hot in the sun.
The day of the wedding came, everyone was running around doing what had to be done. Myself and Nik done our make up and put our bridesmaid dresses on with Nik moaning through the whole time how much she didn’t quite like how the dress fit her. I was concerned that my dress wouldn’t fit but that was now my paranoia thinking as even if I was pregnant, I wouldn’t be showing. The ceremony was long and the heat was unbearable, it didn’t help that every time I turned my head; there was my mother watching me. She suspected something was up but it was like she didn’t want to confront me and ask in case she heard what she didn’t want to hear… to hear what she already knew in her heart. Heels were not the one for the feet in that heat, my feet were beyond hurting. Straight after the ceremony we went to take pictures then on to the reception and more pictures were taken. Whilst the speeches were going on, my rebellious cousin grabbed me and said ‘lets get out of here cuz, our time and duty in these dresses are over’ so we snuck out to go home. The reception was just a five to ten minute walk away, so we got in, changed, chilled for a while as we were both tired, our feet were painful and swollen from heels all day and then headed back to the reception in time for when the speeches had finished and the music had started. The wedding was a huge success and was beautifully done, The dancing continued into the night and we all had a grand time. But my gosh I felt it the following day, I had a hangover and I didn’t even drink any alcohol! This was getting ridiculous, there was really no doubt about it now, no other excuses, no tests done only me observing myself; Nik looked at me and I at her and we smiled knowingly… I was pregnant.
I was so glad I had Nikay, one of my best cousins I could confide in. This holiday was the closest we’d ever been. She teased me about Ken, she knew all about us and thought the love we shared was so cute. If it wasn’t for her I don’t know how I would’ve coped these last couple of weeks but it was coming up time for us to leave and go back to England, I was sad to leave yet ecstatic to see Ken once again. He called again the night before we flew out, I couldn’t hold it, I told him of my suspected pregnancy and how mum was funny with me for days, he just said not to worry about it, just enjoy my last few hours and when I get back I can sort out a test and deal with all the rest.
Packed and ready to head out, we said our goodbyes with kisses and hugs. No more would I have Nik to protect me of my mums daggers and sarcastic comments. She actually packed the mangoes she was bringing back to England in the hold all cabin above my seat on the plane. Definitely done on purpose. So here I was stuck on a night flight with a sickly smell of mangoes above my head. I had my normal evening nausea so I just tried my best to sleep as there was nowhere to run and no seats to swap.
This was to be the longest flight taking me on a journey of life I’ve never known before.

Metamorphosis Of Love


My mind runs to and fro

Can’t step forward, yet I refuse to step back

Passion runs high but I’m stuck to let go

I can’t seem to get my heart and mind to comply

I’ve reached an unnatural high

How do I tell a fading love goodbye

Living a lie yet living a truth

Sitting back and waiting, my whole body inhales then sighs

Intimacy has birthed a soul tie

Attempts to cover up hurdles into more lies

Dookie dooks has a new outlook

No longer the stench of impurity

But an intense sexuality

Could this be due to maturity

His hands, his kiss, his lust

Stripping away years of indecent touch

My body screams out in delightful pain

Fill me again and again

These wanton thoughts drives me insane

I’ve got to speak out and get rid of this hidden shame

I got to tell Saul I don’t feel the same

Without revealing my lovers name

His hands, his kiss his lust

Our lust, our kisses, our hands

We nestle and entwine in invisible wedding bands

What was it that Jesus wrote with the stick in the sand?


I am not a married woman caught in adultery

But a young woman crying out for love

Not the descriptive love of my youth

That interpreted an ugly false truth

Now a need manifests in me

A desire to cultivate my lovers seed

My heart pulsates

My mind is over ruled

Passion is about to map out my fate

Pray this new love does not have me fooled

This is me…

A new feeling has arisen

Dookie Dooks, you are entering a new season

Life as you know it is about to be rearranged

Get ready for the change.



Weak In One Week

The phone rang at 18.05. It was in the dining room and mum was in there doing some sewing, how on earth was I to talk without baiting myself out? I didn’t rush for the phone either like I was expecting a call.

Mum was upset with me for going out all night, leaving from Cams to head to Sauls house to show my face for his mums birthday (in which I prematurely left as 6pm was all that was on my mind) I made up some excuse that I had to go home early as mum was fretting about me not helping her with Sunday dinner, which led to them (Berns and crew) asking how come I went out and never even told them? gosh they made me feel so hot that I answered falling over my tongue! ‘ look my sister decided last minute, didn’t really think as I wasn’t home’ it was accepted with no further questioning, phew! Saul was still a little sour with me and to be fair I was also, especially as I had Kenrick on my mind and he weighed heavier on my scales.

‘hello’ I answered the phone and casually excused myself from the room swiftly explaining I couldn’t hear properly. Mum gave me a cut eye that can cut me in two but it went over my head as I heard that familiar voice from the week before reply… ‘Hello’ It’s like I could see his smile through the phone carried on his voice. We spoke for a long while and I had a fixed grin on my face the whole time, broken by my mums voice interrupting the call telling I’ve been on it long enough as she was waiting on a call. No she wasn’t she just had sharp ears and must’ve realised it wasn’t Saul I was talking to. Kenrick and I swiftly made arrangements to meet up at Panama night club the following week and promised each other we’ll both be there.

I hung up the phone and took it back in the room. Mum was looking for a reason to have a go at me but I moved so fast, before she asked I quickly said it was an old school friends brother I met up with out the blue last night. She blew hard through her nose like a bull looking to attack, if mum was a looney tune she’d have steam coming from her nostrils. Did I care? nope, my mind was full of Kenrick and our pending meeting. What was I going to tell the crew, how was I going to explain going to Panama for the second time in the space of one week, how was I going to see Saul in the same way, what was I to tell Bernel, Toni and Kacee???? good Lord!

As the week passed I spent the time like a script writer! trying to orchestrate a storyline that places Kenrick in a good position of why I know him, he was definitely older so he couldn’t exactly be a school friend, so I kept with what I told my mum; he was a friends brother.  Bernel wasn’t easily fooled and was a little suspect of the whole going to Panamas, I mean it wasn’t the greatest club but I told her I was meeting one of my sisters good friend there… ‘really Maria, your sister?’ So far fetched it had to be true right! I was mixing up my story already, I couldn’t lie to save my life.

Bernel knew things weren’t right with Saul & I for a while, I’m sure she saw the old me creeping back. Saul was boring me, no that’s not true, I really loved Saul, nope that doesn’t fit it either, I think Saul and I grew into a ‘best friend’ zone. I cared deeply for him but at 18 did I really know what love felt like? we had started dating when I was 16 and I was in awe that I stayed in the relationship judging by my track record. Saul looked out for me, he was caring, loving, sensitive, laughed at the same jokes and we enjoyed the same things…yep, best friends! I was fed up of the going out in a group thing, never on our own, the long walks to his home, the buses everywhere and when we kissed it was ALWAYS a kiss on the cheek or a peck on the lips, never an intimate deep french kiss that defined us as a couple.                                                                                                          Guys I saw before all had cars. Yes I was spoilt in some ways, but mostly I was just use to hanging around with older people due to going out regularly with my older siblings, not too old, around 20-28 kind of ages. Things were changing, I was changing, I was moving forward but it seemed like vertigo where I was pulled forward and my friends seemed to be way back and Saul further back still.

Saturday arrived and I was excited and anxious. It was proving impossible to shake off my friends and I was spiralling in a well of lies to cover the fact I met a guy, a guy that in just one week stole my heart.

Panamas was rocking good, it had a nice crowd. I kept scanning the room and every now and then turned behind to look by the door. Berns was watching me and it seemed I was annoying her. She and I were great friends but so was she and Saul, she knew him longer and didn’t want to see him get hurt, he was like a brother to her. Berns and I had spoken about the cracks in my relationship with Saul and she said she would be there for me if I stayed with him or if we broke up, what she didn’t want was for me to two time him.

At the side of my eye I saw Kenrick walk in and the smile I practiced to hide burst through like the sun out from clouds. I went towards him forgetting who I was with, I willed my legs to keep me up; he had me spell bound. Ken kissed me hello with a smile that radiated his face. We spoke briefly and I brought him over to introduce him to the girls. As I imagined they were all mesmerised and Berns smiled like she understood why I was the way I was lately. The atmosphere moved and we continued to enjoy the evening. I did notice that Bernel was a little edgy and often looked towards the door but I just assumed she was amusing herself as we normally did, looking at who guys were walking in with and what other women were wearing and why!

A gentle tap on my shoulder and I turned around only to see Saul standing behind me with a sort of smile that I wasn’t sure if it was a smirk that said ‘caught you’ I smiled in surprise. Hey what are you doing here, thought you said you weren’t coming? ‘Well I changed my mind,’ Saul was smiling as I looked at Kenrick but I held it together and introduced them. I luckily spoke to Kenrick about Saul, he knew he was a present boyfriend I was about to break up with; so to him he wasn’t entirely surprised. I realised Bernel knew he was coming and also that they planned to do this as they were trying to sus out my off movements lately. Nevertheless, I felt betrayed to know they would scheme this.

The rest of the night I played yoyo! I wanted to be with Kenrick but I obviously had to stand with the guys and Saul. Luckily Kenrick realised my predicament, we had already spoken a couple of times in the week about my relationship with Saul and what my friends were like, he kindly said goodbye and that it was nice catching up with me…loud enough for them to hear. He turned to the others and said his goodbyes and it was nice to meet them and he left.
I refused to look flustered, the shear annoyance I felt that my friends would even think to set me up was enough to keep me un wavered by the whole thing. They couldn’t read my body language I was like Morse code! The rest of the night passed a bit dull as I had nothing much to say to any of them to be honest and I was upset with Saul, not from that night but just in general. We left soon after Kenrick, shared cabs as usual and as usual I was the last drop. As I rode home looking out the window at the droplets of rain and the dazzled images of the street lights, I wondered where this was going, someone was going to be hurt, either me for living a life that I was stuck in because of extended friends and family, not really getting what I want; or Saul and our friends if I broke up with him… Arrrrrrggggh this was too much, I need to sleep and hopefully it will all be made clear in the morning. All I knew at that moment and time is that I was bewitched under Kenricks spell, his smile, his touch, , his eyes, his voice. I wanted to see more of him.
The weeks that followed I did. Kenrick came down regularly to see me, we went for long drives, pulled over in country lanes and we passionately kissed, I mean REALLY kiss! not the pecks on the lips I got for two years, I mean intimate tongue in cheek kisses that repeated three words over and over again with each touch ‘ I want you.’ It wasn’t long before we actually went all the way. I felt tense like a virgin but he was gentle with me and took the lead. His flesh was soft and warm, his hands gentle and soft. My mind raced ‘Oh my gosh Saul’ This was it, kissing was one thing but I over stepped the mark when I allowed Ken to penetrate me sexually. Saul and I wasn’t married but I felt I committed adultery!
I didn’t know how to tell Saul I wanted to end our relationship, I was definitely living a lie now, definitely cheating on him and distancing myself from him and my friends as my face couldn’t lie. When they spoke to me I felt hot and I felt heat rise to my cheeks.
Kenrick and I made wild passionate love every chance we got, as soon as we saw each other its like he undressed me with his eyes and I became weak as my legs always turned to jelly when I saw him. Realising how intense we were, we both decided I should go on the pill as we took risks every time. I soon became desensitized to Saul and what my friends thought. I longed to be touched like this, this was different from the sordid hands that used to grope me and make me ashamed and disgusted way back in the past. Maybe I was grown and being eighteen made a difference to my mindset. I also met some of Kens close friends and they met up ever Friday night (lads only) but I became Kens right arm so to speak and I seemed to have broken the mould of that when he started taking me along. They didn’t seem to mind as their night consisted of games of dominoes and black jack which gave me the chance to show my skills and laugh about the competition of the game, I fitted inn just fine.
It was a couple of months into the relationship that Ken was heading off to Trinidad for the first time. It was the longest three weeks without him but I used the time to spend more with my friends. I hadn’t spoken of Ken much after the night in Panamas, I needed that dust to well and truly settle. I became satisfied with my double life and mum started to get used to Ken as he started to come around more. The thing that made her change was that I had a minor knee operation which had me bed bound for a few weeks and I became depressed. Mum didn’t see Saul set foot once to come and see me but Ken had come everyday. He drove over 20miles to see me every night. One night he lifted me out the bed and carried me downstairs into his car to take me for a drive. Oh yes mum loved all that and started to like Ken very much.
They say absence makes the heart grow fonder, my gosh wasn’t that the truth! Whilst he was away we spoke on the phone daily every time he got a chance. I just knew I would end up solely being with him, but when was I going to pick up the nerve to tell Saul and explain to the guys why I broke up with him. I didn’t want to be seen as a two timer (although I was big time), I needed a reason like ‘we drifted apart, or we’re more like friends’ kind of reason. It was the longest three weeks.

Ken came back and as my home was en route to his from the airport, he stopped by before heading home. Oh my smile, his smile, it was obvious how much we missed each other. He didn’t stay very long as he flew all night and hardly slept but he and I both knew we couldn’t last another moment and it was highly unlikely, had he of gone home that he would’ve made it back down to mines due to jet lag. It didn’t matter now, I saw him and that’s all I needed.

I was heading into a tornado the more I delayed speaking to Saul about breaking up the harder it got. Kenrick was okay and understood in the early part of our relationship but things were more serious now and he was starting to get a little edgy about the whole thing and couldn’t understand why I was delaying. He said it felt like I was seeing the both of them at the same time, was I? I know I kinda wasn’t but then truth be known I kinda was.
I rang Saul and told him I wanted to meet and if he could come over. I had to make sure and tell him to come on his own as it was standard that one or two of the gang would be tagging along; why was that I never knew but it irritated me and made me feel resentful about the whole relationship. I was just tired. Saul and I met near my house as again I was fed up of taking a bus to his and walking so long to his house. It wasn’t normal for me to ask him over so he knew something was up. I didn’t want to stay home so we took a walk outside, there was a long silence before I just came out with the fact we needed to break up as we obviously weren’t how we used to be and it was just frustrating and I didn’t feel we had the same love for each other anymore.
Saul didn’t agree, he liked our relationship and thought we could make it work, he even apologised for not showing me the attention he should do as a boyfriend and he’ll change, he even suggested that we get engaged after christmas. None of it could change my mind, who plans an engagement anyway? It’s supposed to be a surprise to the girl right! Somehow, I knew I would’ve softened and agreed to it all but there was one thing that stood in the way, Kenrick. I wanted him, he made me feel like a woman, he drove, he was older, more mature, took me out and we were sexually attracted to each other. Saul just didn’t weigh up. Then he asked about Kenrick and if I was seeing him, is this what this was all about? I didn’t dare admit it and say yes, I couldn’t let them all know I was seeing Ken all this time; it so wasn’t like me to two time. It wasn’t my fault, I didn’t plan it, it just happened, I got in a whirlwind and got trapped in the spin.
No matter what Saul suggested I had no choice but to stick to my guns; no! He then kept on about Kenrick and I said time and again that yes he liked me but we were just friends. ‘How could you be friends with a big man like him, what could be his interest in you but to take advantage. Why Maria?’ ‘How old is he?’ I stuttered, he was asking too much questions and I didn’t like being cornered. ‘He’s not that much older Saul he’s’…. How old was he, I had no idea, I hadn’t thought to ask! I made up an age, ‘he’s 23 and I don’t see why we have to keep talking about him. Look Saul we’ve changed it’s not like that I’m just fed up and I don’t want this anymore, can’t we just be friends? I mean that’s how we behave already; nothing will be different will it? be honest.’ There was silence, Saul hung his head. I felt a wave of sadness but at the same time I felt relief it was finally done, I told him. I walked him to the bus stop and waited for the bus to arrive. I said I was sorry, but we will be good friends as I didn’t think why it should change. He got on the bus and I turned and walked home. A burden was semi lifted, all I had to do was to tell Bernel and the rest.
Saul and I was an item for two years, seeing us together was just the norm and expected so going out together now seemed weird. Like where do we stand when we were in a group, do I laugh at his jokes, do we complement each other like we use to do when we were dressed to go out? It was harder than I thought at first, but we got better at it. Kenrick and I blossomed, I still kept our relationship on a down low as I didn’t want my friends to think I broke up with Saul to go out with Kenrick… which I did, I was in denial.

I told Bernel that same evening as I wanted her to hear it from me first. Surprisingly she  was quite sympathetic and understood. All she wanted was for me to break it with Saul if I knew my heart wasn’t his, Berns was no fool and I said no more to pretend I thought she was.

Kenrick and I grew inseparable, he came around and chilled with me at home near enough every evening. Sometimes we stayed home and sometimes we went out, just me and him, no friends tagging along. Many times I went with him to his Friday nights with the lads and I became one of the guys. No other woman ever attended I was privialedged.

My friends got to know about Kenrick, I couldn’t hide it anyone. Sauls brother wasn’t impressed neither was his parents but they got over it after a while. Our group still met up from time to time; a little awkward but we all were just great friends for my actions to fringe on that. Bernel, Toni and Kacee got to know Ken and grew to like him very much.

I felt grown, I asked Ken about his age; he was twenty-eight Twenty Eight and I was just eighteen and gobsmacked! I had no idea he was THAT old. a whole ten years. Did I care? no, we were too far gone in our relationship and I loved him, his maturity, his smile, his ways, the way he handled me, made me feel clean when he touched me, it wasn’t dirty. This was it wasn’t it… love? it wasn’t nasty, I consented, I said yes, he touched me intimately because I allowed it and not because he was a greedy old man wanting a grope

Months passed and we started talking about the future. Conversations about children and marriage. I’ve always wanted it the right way. marriage first and then babies. I didn’t want to be like some school friends I met over the years that had babies and were single mothers because their boyfriends bailed out and I didn’t want to be like my sister Cam who was forced to be married due to her being pregnant. But the heart and passion grew with a force,  Ken & I made a decision for me to come off the pill.

And I did.



Kissing Away Teenage Love

Heated words
Same old issues throwing my feelings overboard
Complaints from my frustrated heart
Things that did not seem problematic at the start
His voice, my voice I’m sure the universe have tired heard
Need to air out,
Get dressed and go out
Partnered with sister, brother in law and friend,
I intend to shack out
Standing dressed to impress
No longer feeling irritated and stressed
This is not the place to think of relationship mess
I look up, our eyes meet, all of a sudden I can’t feel my feet
Who is he?
Has he been sent to change me? rearrange me? complete me?
My life will never be the same
So starts my journey of unforgettable Joy, exposed shame of past pain,
Seasons of sunshine, seasons of rain
Seasons where love abound
And my womanhood was found
There is a tingling in the atmosphere
Goosebumps arise like chicken pox
My heart beats louder than a door knocks
Hello Dookie Dooks
It’s time
Real life is about to begin
You were charmed by his looks
Now you are well and truly hooked
Two years you were with Saul
You have to face him and start talking
Family ties
Little white lies
Your movements turn as you conjure up alibies
It’s time
To kiss away teenage love
And embrace this sweet, handsome, dougla man
He looks like the real deal, well kind of!
Only time will tell.
Is THIS love that I’m feeling?
Dookie, you gotta know now…

Who’s That Guy?

I rummaged through Cams wardrobe, she had amazing clothes which I may add made all herself as she was a seamstress. My hands rested on a wicked olive suit, it was a pencil mini skirt and front buttoned jacket/top. With my size eight self, I would rock that with a pair of black stilettoes (which Cam had and we were the same size). Make-up, hair curled, I was ready.

Pearl, Cam and Patrick were also looking real good. I felt beautiful and looked beautiful. I made up my mind to forget about earlier that day. Cam was irritated by Saul and also encouraged me to forget him that night, ‘yuh too young to be so stressed over man, time to move on.’

Patrick drove us down to Panama Night Club. The mere fact we found a parking space pretty quick was an indicator that the club was empty! Panama was accustom having a slow start, but once going it was a pretty decent club. I felt eyes on us as we walked in and I knew the men in there wondered which one of us was with Patrick. The music was pumping good though and so we found a space on the wall facing the door to lime and have a good view of who was entering in.

Every now and then we nudged each other to have a giggle at a mismatched couple, an ugly brother, a badly dressed woman… passing time as we do. The dance floor was getting full and things were livening up, but we were still kinda disappointed that not one single good looking guy came through the ticket area, not that Pearl and I wanted a new man, more like we just wanted a good night of dancing with someone.

Cam wanted to go to the ladies, we normally all go together but we didn’t want to lose our space, Patrick had already left to get our top up of drinks so Pearl and I stayed put. Standing and gazing around at the dead action with the lack of unattached men and the undesirable single ones, we simultaneously froze and all we could is pull at the side of each others clothes excitedly, hot flushes and an uncontrollable grin as a prince charming stepped into the club with a few other guys. ‘Peeeearl oh my gosh looook at that fine Godsend’ Pearl responded without a breath between her words nearly tripping over her tongue, ‘I know, I know, I knoooooow, Jeez where’s Cam, trust her to miss this.’

He was of average height, dougla (mixed Indian / South Asian and African descent more or less), HANDSOME, dressed in a suit looking sharp, a smile to melt your heart and straight yet naturally curled hair…Saul, Saul who?! Cam appeared from the corner and we pulled her in quick ‘look to your left slowly, DON’T look obvious but clock that fine brotha oh my gosh’ so Cam waits then casually turns and it doesn’t take rocket science for her to know who we were drooling over, ‘Who him?’ she asks casually with no expression. ‘Yesss’ I reply still trying to compose my grin to a smile. Cam then spun around completely at the same time as she said ‘oh him’ and walked towards him leaving Pearl dumbfounded on the spot, mouth opened with a 101 questions flooding, She knows him, he’s a friend of my sister, how have I never seen this one… ‘Pearl I thought you knew Cams friends? how do you not know this guy? Pearl couldn’t even answer as she watched on in disbelief shrugging her shoulders.

Trying not to look bait, myself and Pearl kept peeking at them, Cam and that guy was having a conversation and sharing a laugh. After a while they turned and started to walk over to us, no doubt for introductions.

It took everything within me to breathe with precision and look un-phased by what stood before me.  Cam had this grin on her face that I couldn’t read as my mind was in a tizwas, how could anyone think in this situation; “Kenrick this is my friend Pearl” he smiles nods and says hello… “and this is my sister Maria, Maria meet Kenrick” my smile breaks in a grin I just couldn’t keep it in. He looked me dead in my eyes as he said hello. My legs where’s my dam legs for they felt like jello. His smile was in his eyes, they sparkled every time a smile hit his face. He was breathtakingly handsome. In my mind rushed a million and one questions… ‘where did my sister meet this guy, why have I not seen him before, I knew her friends, well most of them; surly I would of remembered him.’ He was well dressed in a fitted suit, a little goatee beard that matched his jet black curly Asian type hair, his skin looked smooth without blemish and his smile was like a firearms as they shot bullets in me I felt weak,

He asked me to dance, like I was gonna say no! we danced and spoke about so many things that I didn’t realize we moved away from my party and him from his, just me and him. He asked me if I wanted a drink and I asked for a rum on the rocks. He brought me quite a few that night. I had relaxed and we spoke like we knew each other for years I learnt he was going to n holiday to Trinidad in a couple of months time for the first time. I had already been so was telling him of all the places to go. I clean forgot about Cam, Patrick and Pearl and likewise, Kenrick never went back to his friends he came with. The music  played, we danced we spoke, it was a perfect end to a rotten day.

The lights were turned on, the club was about to finish, the last tune was being played and it was time to say goodbye. Its then that I realized we spent all night together wow and what a night it was. Kenrick asked for my number and I gave it to him without thinking twice. Cam said they’ll be by the car as they said their goodbyes, it was just parked across the road. David walked me to the car and we stood there for a moment, he said he would call me at 6pm the next day and I smiled in agreement, he then leant over tome and gave me the softest smoothest kiss on the cheek and smiled as he saw me into the car and walked away… Cam and Pearl looked at me cracking up laughing as I was in a daze, he kissed me, I could still feel it on my cheek. No way was I washing my make up off that night as I wanted that feeling to stay. I stared out the window on the way to Cams. I asked her like three times ‘where did you meet him and how long you’ve been friends’??? All Cam kept saying was ‘I’ll tell you when we reach home.’ so I gave up and starred out the window for the whole drive with a nerdy smile stuck on my face and I couldn’t even hear their conversation.

As soon as we got inside and took off our coats we badgered Cam to spill the beans…’Where, when?? stop stalling.’ Cam turned around with the most peculiar grin like the cat that swallowed the canary and said quite frankly “I don’t!” ‘Okay don’t what, what’s that supposed to mean??…Cam stop messing,’ “I mean just that” she said still smiling and by now trying to hold in a laugh. When I came out the toilet and you guys were going crazy about this guy and you showed me, on impulse I turned and walked straight to him and said ‘excuse me my sister over there really likes you, I wonder if you will do me a favour and come over and meet her?’ and he did, the rest is history. Myself and Pearl froze, mouth open catching flies. Cam you didn’t, you mean you never knew him, he’s not a friend of yours?? ‘nope, you need a man, get out of that relationship you have as all you do is argue, time to move on.’ gosh so cut throat. Well the ground could’ve opened up and swallow me in. Cam I would’ve never spoken to him if I knew that was what you were going over to do. If I was a white girl I would be beetroot red with embarrassment, what must he be thinking. As I replayed the evening in my mind I sunk deeper into my imaginary whirlwind hole. And to think I had asked him ‘so where do you know my sister from? his reply was ‘ask her when you get home!?’ awwww no wonder, what a plot, Cam was in stitches whilst Patrick and Pearl was chuckling and saying how Cam move quick to think of that plan and be so brave in a matter of minutes. Well it was done, it happened, it worked, I got a kiss and I had a phone call to receive 6pm the following day. ‘Well thanks a lot sis, it sure paid off.’ I laughed but I still felt like an idiot, how embarrassing omg.

Time to sleep… so tomorrow will come faster!

The Feeling

I love this

This feeling

It has my heart reeling

Wondering why…

There is no inappropriate touch

He would never think to put a hand on my crutch

Imagine, he loves me that much!

At first his tenderness mystified my mind

His mannerism always kind

Holds my hand while we walk

Looks into my eyes as we talk

Never will he disrespect me

We laughed and I felt somewhat free

Years before faded and seemed somewhat insignificant

But sadly I wonder…

If this is true love, is it meant for me?


Is this how love is meant to be,

Displayed in such a way like golden daffodils

And a sea of Lilies in an untouched valley

No… this is not right

I question these new waves in hindsight

Surly there is something wrong

This relationship is lasting far too long.

Dookie Dooks you’ve grown used to the other kind

Sour filth that clothed your mind

Incense of sex and betrayal inhaled clouds your thoughts

This new experience has caused you to come of the familiar trail…

Flies down

Pinned down

Stay down

‘Go down’


Pain so intense

You couldn’t scream out

Dogs on heat and you are caught in their fence

Spiritually you put up a wall of defence

Dookie girl its not been a kind world

Can you not accept that there is another side where true love resides?

Presented with bouquets of roses

Kissed gently on the lips

No tongue exposed

Buttons on your blouse stays closed


Oh if I could of let you see

That reliving ugliness was because of me

I couldn’t let go of all we learnt

Life now was too lazy

Going out with friends

Holding hands

Naaa that’s crazy

Pretending we exchanged wedding bands

This kind of love suffocated your inner self…

The abused me,

Cast out hidden behind the vase of flowers on the shelf

No thank you

I can’t do this

I want intensity

Wake up the inner me

Am I dead?

No longer do I feel the slanderous touch

This kindness shown is too much

I need to break free

I’ve been inactive sexually

And I don’t know how this could be


Is this love

Is this love

Is this love

Is this love that I’m feelin?

Like Bob, I wanna Know now.

Although part of me was willing

I was just not able

Poor soiled tainted me

Blinded by the past,

I grab hold of my other half

No longer hidden on the shelf

The flowers have died

The vase put aside

No matter how I tried I just couldn’t hide.

Was this love?

When I grow old and look back

Hopefully I will let you all know.

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