You whisper gently by my ear
You tell me calmly, your touch I should not fear
But I cringe when you come so near
Being alone with you I will refrain
For I am much too young to have such stains
How can you, being older than me, not know what you do?
Yet you insist to bring spiritual pain
What does it profit; tell me what will you gain?
It’s a demonic sickness within your brain
Corrupting your innermost
Driven by an un-heavenly host
Whose plan for us all is utterly insane.
God also has a plan
If anyone can break this chain
I know in my heart He can
It’s decreed in His word and His word never fails
Jeremiah 29:11 I shall hold on to for it allows me to prevail
Whisper no more your egocentric lies
Pretending to love
And corrupt my innocence in an unlawful soul tie
My God my Father sees and has built a blood hedge to cover me
Yes I am His daughter
I did not know it back then
I choose to remember know more
You are defeated
For as I write this
I shut the door
Between the ages of 9-10 years old I saw quite a few ‘first times’ in my short life.
After Cam gave birth to my niece, my parents and I traveled to America the following year for a summer holiday. I took Chrissy with me and my hand luggage was all my nieces clothes aged 6 months. They were now Chrissys’ clothes and she would never grow out of them.
My first time…
It was strange, as I pictured the U.S to be in the same technicolor as what I saw in the movies! I didn’t expect it to look and feel like England, people like me etc.
The shops were different, everywhere there was a Deli. Singing accents flowing with upbeat excited conversations – everyone was always in a rush.
So much relatives and friends, there was no need to stay in a hotel, we just stayed here and there. Everyone took to my English accent and was told constantly ‘ Oh my garrsssh, she’s too cute’ so of course I felt great, I felt liked and nobody thought I was annoying!
Such a good feeling being accepted and liked, that I thought nothing of it when one night I complained that I couldn’t sleep and someone said “come and lay with me I’ll keep you company.” Well of course I got up from where I was and went in there bed.
It was a single bed and proved difficult to lay side by side so it was suggested I lay on top of them. He said to just stay quiet and sleep will come, so I did, the talking stopped. I could not sleep for a while though as he kept moving slowly all the time. I just thought he was trying to get comfortable but I started to feel uneasy by the feeling of where the movement was touching me and soft groans was coming from him. I decided to pretend I did not notice and began to move and go back to the other bed where I was, but he held me and whispered ‘shhhhhhhhhhhhhsh’ close to my ears. I froze, eyes wide shut and froze. I don’t remember anything else.
That was the first time…
I never thought much about what happened, only to think to myself ‘you made me feel safe then you used me.’
Inside I felt sick and angry, it was not a rage but a coldness that curdled on the inside but masked itself on the outside to the sweet cute smile they all adored. I trusted no one. I hated the way that person acted like it was nothing, he chatted and laughed and went on with his days as normal, was a child as small as me able to imagine this? was it all a dream? Hell no, it was real, it was nasty and I hated feeling that people were just pretending to like me so they can get close enough to hurt me. Did anyone like me? Anyone?
Lots of new found cousins seemed to. I met my Great Uncle who had 11 sons, they were so lovely. I met my dads sister and family in Washington D.C, we toured the Monument and The White House, we went to Connecticut, Baltimore, Queens, Brooklyn… just all over and it was great.
Lots of pleasant memorable first times.
So we’re out visiting again, have no idea who or where until I heard the word ‘sister!’
I got a sister? where? when? Then I get this crash course story that my dad had two daughters before he met my mum… I HAVE TWO EXTRA SISTERS!! A barrage of thoughts entered my mind, where have they been all my life? why was I not told about them before? why were they some big secret? but dad lived in England with us, he has not been on holiday to America, so has he not even seen them? how could he not look after them? Really?? I felt so sad for my new found sisters and bad as well because I felt it was our fault (my other sister and brothers) why dad may have not been there for them.
Wait, I have a niece?, not Cam’s daughter but there was another one, an older one from my eldest sister. I felt robbed! all this time I thought I was an aunt for the first time last year, when in fact I was an auntie a few years before and didn’t even know.
The first time I met my sister I kept staring , I guess still in shock and I had so many questions that I could not ask but desperately wanted to. My niece was hooked on Sesame Street and I remember my sister took us to the cinema to see the Muppet Movie. My niece called me’Aunt Ali’ and loved playing with me and my doll Chrissy, I had so much fun with her that I forgot about the other stuff that made me feel upset and weird. Now I felt the love I wanted, untarnished, unconditional, childlike love.
That was my first time…
I started to feel negatively about my dad, a layer of respect peeled away… For the first time.
So a beloved part of my childhood was definitely spent in our home in Greenford. Days of joy and innocence ( except from the episode with the two little boys in the park bushes!)
Memories of aunties, uncles and cousins coming over (majority not blood related) but nevertheless were family to us. Sounds of laughter and excited chatter from the sitting room and children playing or just hanging out in the dining room. No cares or fears, we went out to play with freedom.
I actually cannot remember winter months in this time of my life. I remember thick fog, I used to think it was the clouds that fell down from the sky as it was so thick and fluffy.
I remember Christmas Eve sleeping with one eye open waiting for that fat white bearded man to come and nibble on the mince pie and juice left out for him and wonder what he’d bring me. Well I was five years old and considered to be a good girl even though I was told I was cheeky!
My eyes were failing me, sleep beckoned, but just then at the corner of a half closed eye I saw a shadow.
I jumped sitting up on my bed rubbing my eyes so I could see properly. My feet felt something hard and I followed the gaze, there she was, the most beautiful black doll you could imagine. She was the size of a 6-8 month old baby with short black hair but in the middle of her head was a pony tail you could extend by pulling and retrieve by pulling on the string on her back. I was in glee as I remembered the shadow and ran out my room and downstairs, no one. I ran in my parents room panting “mum mum dad Father Christmas came I saw his shadow he gave me a doll a real baby seeee” as I held up the doll in excitement.
Mum rubbed her eyes trying hard to play dumb and half asleep (it worked!) she replied “oh that’s real nice, now go to sleep.” Sleep… sleep how could I sleep? I was overwhelmed, Father Christmas found me and brought me the best doll ever and I named her Chrissy. I was convinced at 5 years old; there IS a Father Christmas and he loved me enough to come all the way to my house to give me a present.
“I am a good girl.”
1976 The hottest summer recorded and I was 6 years old, dressed in a swimming costume, I played in the fountains of Trafalgar Square with my brothers. I do not recall my big sister there or my brother Angus, but they must’ve been there too.
In my mind I see myself running, giggling, laughing and wet.
“I sense happiness.”
1977 The Queens Silver Jubilee. There was red, white and blue everywhere, all over my school. I remember having to dress up like British kings & queens with large hats and having a garden party at school. Watching the parade on telly and thinking how lovely the world was with so many happy people. No one said anything about my hair or color, no one has ever answered my question, “why are we not called ‘Brown’ people and white people cream or colored??” Anyway it was a great year and I didn’t feel different outside of my home…
“I felt accepted.”
My big sister Cam use to take me with her to visit her friends. I really don’t know if she did it out of kindness or made to do it as she may have been in charge of looking after me. Regardless, I loved my outings with her. Her friends were always so nice to me and I loved the attention of being the ‘baby sister.’
I don’t even know when he came on the scene, but my sister had this boyfriend, then I remember mum not being happy about something. Later in years I realized it was because my sister got pregnant.
In all of this we moved house and next thing I know mum is busy sewing and my cousin and I have pretty dresses to wear. My other cousins are over from abroad and there’s pure excitement. Why? because there is a wedding, my sisters wedding and she was hugely pregnant. There was lots of people, the sun shone and there was loads of food at the reception. The one thing that stood out to me was the huge bread loaf shaped like ducks.
A lot of work and money went into this wedding, a lot of stress I imagine, but my mother (especially) did not want the ’embarrassment’ of a pregnancy outside of wedlock.
Anyway, I got to be a bridesmaid for the first time ever.
For my sister, it wasn’t the case of ‘I Do’ but rather ‘I have to’!
“I decided I wanted to get married for love.”
The wedding was June 1978 and it was the beginning of a wonderful summer. I became an auntie to a beautiful baby girl. I was 9 years old and automatically felt very grown up. I remember my mum came rushing in the house like a whirlwind to grab a dressing gown and slippers for my sister and rushed back out to head to the hospital. Somewhere between all that excitement was the information that Cam was in labor.
I sat on the stairs trying to imagine what that really meant, was the baby really going to come out down there and if so HOW??
‘I smile,’ “I want to be a mother.”
“Show me show me, go on yuh know me!
Don’t freeze, don’t hide, don’t run
Take my hand and let me feel how God created you different from me.
I want to see if you look the same as what I saw in my dads’ magazine!”
“Get away from me, I will remain clean
I thought you were my friend,
But so yuh so mean
Run me go run far from this crime scene”
Forever my life has been mentally playing that game
Hide and seek, hiding the pain, hiding the shame
Continually seeking identity… What’s my name?
Hiding from men seeking to make me insane
Seeking restoration, time to take off the mask
She shouts ‘HALLELUJAH’ …Hallelujah! What’s that? You ask…
(Sssssh!… I let you into a secret, no more hiding from the past)
For I Seeked and found the Saviour, now I’m free at last
Thank God Almighty I am free from the past.
How on earth did I get to the Police station you wonder…
Well we lived in Fulham, (my first home), a man saw me walking by myself and asked me where I was going and I told him the park.. He said he will take me and took me straight to Hammersmith police station!! I actually remember sitting on the table with my legs swinging eating a biscuit I believe to be a digestive and drinking a glass of milk wearing a bobbys’ hat and mum coming through the door…
In that same house around the same age I took change from my mums purse and got told off… dad went to spank me and I cried blue murder running out the living room, then turned back opened back the door and peeped my head around the door and quipped “ didn’t hurt” and ran up the stairs. Cheeky me at 4yrs old. Did my dad chase me? no… as usual I got away with it and it was laughed off and called cheeky… Something like this my siblings would not of gotten away with so they were never impressed.
I was troubled in that house by spirits, used to see ghost ALL the time, seriously!… saw things and one time heard footsteps coming up the stairs, when I ran to look, it was a pair of black shoes all by themselves!!! No lie. Shadows that shouldn’t be there, noises that shouldn’t be heard.. My siblings and I named it the most haunted house we ever lived in.
I remember dancing with my brother in that house. It was my birthday and a girl from the street was there helping me find my shoe, I was very happy and chatty beyond my years.
I remember my 5th birthday in my next house in Greenford. I wore black corduroy trousers and a white vest top with embroidery and my hair was in an afro. Lots of friends around the birthday table and I stood on a chair to blow out the candles.
Our house backed onto a big open park just separated by an alley way. The neighbours on the other side of the alley way were two elderly sisters who had an apple tree. Any apples that fell in the alley we took.
My older brothers cut out a piece of fence so we didn’t have to walk all the way around to get in the park, we could go straight from our back garden!
Two little white boys one time came in the bushes with me, we used to play hide and seek. Well on this day they were seeking something else, they turned around and said ‘we’ll show you ours and you show us yours’…. Well I just said yeah as I had no idea what they were on about!, I think, they started lifting up their top and as soon as I saw their hands head towards their trouser button I turned and ran for my life in a sweat… sure I was about 6/7yrs old and they were around the same age.
Frightened the life outta me…
Have you seen her?
Small, brown, always smiling, never with a frown…
Have you seen her?
Very chatty, thinks aloud, gets her into trouble,
But I guess at her age it’s allowed
Have you seen her?
Such a happy child, the last of five
Her siblings thinks she’s spoilt…
Is that her fault?
At four years old what does she know?!
Did she asked to be cute, to get all the birthday loot
Did she ask for all the boxes under the Christmas tree each tag with her name?
Did you not think she’d want to be included in your game?
You left her out because?…
A spoilt brat you say, because?…
So she tried to entertain herself, because?… because…
Her brothers and sister busy doing chores,
Lil cute brownie had a job to do too…
Sweep down the stairs and tear the toilet rollin two’s…
(Papa say we use too much when we go to the loo!)
“Can I help?” she’d say.. “No go away”
“Can I play in your game?”… “No yuh too young, go away”
So can yuh blame de chile for going astray.. all she wanted to do was play!
Have you seen her?
“Yes Yes madam, come this way.
She’s safe and sound and chatting away”
The door opens…
“Awwww there you are”…
Next time DON’T VENTURE PASS YUH FARDA’S CAR…
30 odd years later…
Have you seen her?
That lil brown girl full of smiles,
Carefree in spirit, loves love and shares all she owns..
If you see her, greet her with a kiss and tell her she’s missed
Life is too short to stay lost, it’s time to be found!
Well I have been avoiding this but I thought I’d give it a shot….So many memories…
1st memory is when I was 3yrs old, a holiday to Trinidad with my parents. I remember it well I guess it is because we have lots of photos. My dads’ brother uncle Dave had a monkey. I remember thinking how nice and strange to have a pet monkey. I remember family members taking me for strolls down the road and my mum having dressed me in different outfits. She is a seamstress and made all my clothes except underwear!
This is my first memory of my grandparents on my father’s side. They reminded me of traditional looking grandparents! old and grey with lovely smiles and loving. Fell in love with them immediately.
I remember my God parents and their children were there too on holiday, Auntie Gem, Uncle and their daughters Gabs and Sammy. Uncle ( my only white uncle) climbed a curved coconut tree sam and gabs played in the sea. Uncle Dave sat me on the car bonnet as I was extremely frightened of the sea… not a toe would go in without me screaming blue murder! Uncle Dave kept me company as he had a badly cut finger and couldn’t swim. Auntie Gem teased me for being so scared… memories J
Around 4yrs old I asked my mum in the kitchen if I could go to the park, she said “go ask yuh dad”… dad was outside working on a car and I asked “can I go to the park”? Yep, he said “go ask yuh mother”!!! I said “I did an she said to ask u… well I can go by myself”, and Dad said jokingly, “well go nuh”… So I did!
Wasn’t till mum was calling for dinner that they realised I was missing. Apparently I had a habit of knocking on neighbours doors and going in for chats so they started searching the street- the whole street were looking for me, police was eventually called and to my parents relief were told I was at the police station.
How did I get there?…We lived in Fulham, my first home, a man saw me walking by myself and asked me where I was going and I told him the park.. He said he will take me and took me straight to Hammersmith police station!! I actually remember sitting on the table with my legs swinging eating a biscuit I believe to be a digestive and drinking a glass of milk wearing a bobbys’ hat and mum coming through the door…
What’s the point having a voice? Shut up!
Every opinion you have to express brings a shouting match- you have no defence… Shut up!
Blood ties make no sense, they sit on the oppositions fence, making life more tense… Shut up!
You wanna speak up?… Shut up!
You want to talk about???… Shut up!
Dear Dookie Dooks,
Yes that was one of your childhood nicknames I remember you had, given to you by your favourite cousin in America. Having a nickname made you feel loved and accepted. It made you smile every time you heard it with that American accent.
I know you looked up to that cousin as she had so much mouth, she knew how to stick up for herself.
Trouble is when you tried to be sassy and answer back, to your older brothers and sister you were seen as the little brat sister… I guess a female version of Joseph without the dreams! Your parents always stuck up for you being the youngest, your older siblings always got in trouble as soon as you cried. I know you didn’t think it harmful as you were only 5-6 yrs old, but you became an annoying sister instead of the accepted one in the clan sister…And it was that time while you were visiting with your mum’s brother Uncle Ellon that you realised their feelings towards you…
All your siblings and cousins were in the back room sitting and chatting as they did and you were playing hide and seek with your cousin similar to your age. You snuck in the room and hid behind a sofa and then you heard them ‘Harry is so cute you’re so lucky to have him as a baby brother- Maria is such a brat can’t stand her and so ugly makes me sick’… and I froze, I couldn’t move, I couldn’t open my mouth, I just kneeled in my position and stayed hidden whilst they spoke horrible things about you. I wanted to cry but to cry meant that I heard and I decided to pretend that I didn’t hear a word. I sealed your mouth and as Harry ran in the room looking for you I made you jump out out of your hiding place with your first ever mask, smiling and giggling with Harry and joyfully saying ‘you’re it’ running out the room with your ears hearing the whispers…’do you think she heard, was she there all the time’?? I shut you up and showed you how to pretend not to hear, I sealed your mouth and shut your eyes so the tears welling up under the lids would not be seen as proof that you heard every word.
The little girl all the aunts and uncles thought was adorable and had so much grown up chit chat beyond her years was just a no-body to her siblings and cousins. Always wanting to fit in and people please, to be liked and loved.
Sorry that I made you feel to hide away and sorry that I made you kneel in your hiding spot and listen to all that talk. I should have made you jump up or make a sound so they knew you were there- they may have stopped talking before you heard those damaging words. I’m sorry that whilst your insides were broken hearted and you cried internally, I made you pretend and suppress your feelings and it just rooted and grew with you. I’m sorry I didn’t protect you Dookie Dooks but you were and still are loved very much.
Now that you are a woman….this is where it begun
Please forgive me.
I was agitated in thought… until it came food for thought! sometimes we need to stop and reflect…
We don’t walk In love with our brothers and sisters, husbands and wives, children and parents…If only people would respect and love each other and live the TRUE meaning of love in 1 Corinthians 13 only then will we soar as wings of an eagle rather than flap like pigeons
Ummm… I’ve been thinking on this for days, trying to understand the thought patterns of those who say they love but yet demonstrates harshness to the same… makes no sense. .. the enemy has too many puppets in this world and it’s time we get strong enough to break the strings!!!
I received a love nugget today which reflects exactly what I mean…
Nugget: Love is KIND, it involves not just kind actions but kind words. Love does not intimidate and makes the one you love feel less than they truly are by mistreating them and hurting them with your words. Love is not concern only with his or her way and what pleases you but is considerate one to the other. Love is never abusive whether it be in word, thought or deed. Love causes you to feel secure and not threaten, Love causes one to be comfortably assured in the way they are treated and spoken to. Anytime you practice not caring about how the one you love feels and is only interested in the rules that applies to your life then an evaluation of what you believe love to be must be done. Love gives but does not reproach or make the recipient feel guilty or less of a person for having received from you. Love is not boastful nor self- centred. Remember no matter what material richest one may have, it will never and should never be equated more valuable than the person you love. Love willingly facilitates each other and ensures that the one you love knows it and do not have to wonder or guess it, love holds no ransom but is freely and unreservedly given. Love is applied understanding. May God grant you His Wisdom in Love
Time to ‘Wake Up’ for real otherwise All ‘living years’ will be wasted in unnecessary strife.. live in love… walk in love.. once we can all grasp that the world would be a better place..
These thoughts took me back to my childhood, and as my memory opened up the doors I had tightly kept locked, I came to realise my present and past pains over my teenage and adult years had a foundation, it had a root – the soil of my childhood!!!… lets go gardening!…( bring your gloves, it’s gonna get dirty)